(Last Update: 06/11/02)
> GROUP HUG
Yay! Another chance to smash my breasts against Lel's...er, I mean, hugs are nice.
-Jason gets friendly and Kas commits a sharing violation...
Continuing in the fine tradition of absolutely no h-fic ever posted to the hauthor list
-Matt starts trolling
"In the name of the moon, we will ravi-- "
-Adam thinks better of it
I work hard for Usagi, as my s.o. loves her best and I don't want to have to sleep on the couch at night.
-Erica gets motivated
I popped the list's cherry!
-Kas wins a prize
>> And you wrote an affair between Serena and Ra'a and didn't share it
>> with us?
> I haven't finished typing up ch 3 yet and you want the best parts
> of 4?! Patience.
Sorry - I gave it up for Lent.
-Kas teases Erica just one more time
I was thinking of doing Usagi...
-Lel, not even slightly out-of-context
I'm working on Rei-chan right now....
-Erica, wrestling Kas out of the way
Must...remember...to...breathe...'CLUNK'
-Kas after one lemon too many
I may rename "Slave to Love" "Happiness in Slavery."
-Kas and Adam fight over the NIN back-catalogue
<grabs rifle>
On next week's show: Creation Scientists, Cultural Relativists
and how to deal with them...
-Adam shows his tolerant side
<Palla-palla plays with a ball>
-Erica has a nervous breakdown
Stop that! Down, girl! Naughty Erica!
-Adam reaches for his cane
allworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboy
allworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboy
allworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboy
allworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboy
allworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboy
allworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboy
allworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesadamadullboy
-Adam, on coping with exams
> I'm never too busy.
Then you aren't writing enough.
-Erica cracks the whip at Kas
Hmmm... I think I just lost my fanfic virginity...
-Adam finally does some work
> 1) Oh no! Poor Rei!
It's her fault for having "Bet you fanfic authors don't dare give me a hard time" tattooed on her forehead...
-Erica and Adam uncover a dark secret
I have an 11" Sailorjupiter. She can be undressed.
-Lel's mysterious childhood
Will it surprise no one that I played Ken and always tried to get the Barbies in a state of undress?
-Erica gets a 5-minute penalty
My daughter's Venus and Mars now have pubic hair and nipples.
- ...and Kas doesn't want her to feel lonely
Adam, you really didn't want to go outside all summer anyway, right?
<hypnotizing Adam into doing her bidding>
"You want to write part two....you want to write part two....
-Erica reveals her evil powers
shall I try and get on the Mills & Boon waiting list?
-Adam contemplates suicide
> > After all, Rei threw herself at his feet (literally!)
> > to get him to go out with her. Most men find that kind
> > of thing hard to resist.
> Coupled with those eyes and that body and that short, short
> skirt, I'm amazed they went to Crown Fruit Parlor, and not back
> to his place. I'd love to know what the original dialogue
> is...one day, I will find a fansubbed copy.
I think I remember some of the original dialogue, actually.
(at the Crown)
Rei: There's a beautiful park nearby that's going to be torn down soon. I was wondering if you'd like to go there with me?
Mamoru: Sure, I'd like that.
Rei: And afterward, could we go back to your place and have some really hot sex?
Mamoru: Sounds good to me. Say, you're friends with Odango Atama, right? Maybe we could have a threesome.
Rei: Sure! She'll want to punish you for all the mean things you've said to her, though.
Mamoru: I was SO hoping you'd say that!
Really, the dub just can't compare sometimes...
-Matt shows Kas his knowledge of Japanese
Anyway, Eve's is on 59th st - a respectable business in a high-rise, not a sex shop at all, oh no, uh-uh.
-Erica, believable as ever
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
-Erica makes the mistake of daring Adam to write a Chibi-Usa lemon
> Are you going to eat me, Erica?
Geez, when you put it that bluntly, it takes all the appeal right out of it, doesn't it?
-Erica comforts Lel in a moment of distress
Hey... do I get to launch into an essay on the psychosexual connotations of vampirism now? (Says he, halfway through reading "Dracula" and not quite spotting the homoerotic subtext between Harker and the Count)
-Adam, cute when he's naive
(Yes, I know I'm mixing manga and anime, and I don't care! Wait...this might blow my theory that Manga Rei is a lesbian...don't tell Eterna, onegai?)
-Kas makes a deliberate mistake
> Sing along with me..."Buffy, Buffy, Buffy..."
Mmmmm... Sarah Michelle Gellar...
-Erica and Adam discover a mutual hobby
> Me too - you didn't, by chance, see the Cosmo with her on the cover?
Nope - whilst I could just about get away with buying lesbian porn, there _are_ limits...
-Erica and Adam explore societal norms
Hey, it's not easy to kill your 'Kaa-san and risk your own nonexsistence.
-Kas, on the dangers of darkfics
> I'm procrastinationg horribly...I just spent over an hour fixing my page and
> adding Spiral and Racing Time to it. (Am I the only one having Haruka
> flashes because of the title?)
Nope - I'm right there with ya. Of course, I get Haruka flashes from
Rice Krispies, billboards and random other things, as well. I'm pretty
damn obssessed. <she says as she plays with the 4 inch articulated
Sailor Uranus doll on her desk at work...>
-Kas and Erica at play
I'm not known for beating around the bush.
-Erica, still striving for context
I'm just glad _someone_ was dead when it was all said and done.
-Kas, on happy endings
welcome aboard, please observe the no chibi signs during flight. Barf bags are located in the overhead compartment in case of spore hentai. thank you for flying fanfic revolution airlines...
-Jason explains the safety precautions
I hate my job. I hate my life right now. But, you know what? I love my Rei-chan!
-Kas, appreciating the finer things in life
Chibi-Usa stood alone in the middle of the clearing. "Only a virgin can tame a unicorn, huh?" She dropped her cloak to reveal a see-thru gown. "Come to me... Pegasus." She was startled by the sound of wingbeats and a whinny.
"I really like virgins." Pegasus said. "Once you've had a unicorn you will never even want to try a human man..."
-Lel, hazing herself
Hmmm.
Can. Open. Beans. Spilt. D'oh!
<sweep><sweep>
Move along. Nothing to see here. Please disperse.
-Adam gives away the plot of his latest story
> > Hmm... Now Pluto isn't the lonely soldier anymore.
> IMHO she's one of those people who is always alone... just like
> Rei-chan.
Niiiiice attitude there. <g> And I work so hard trying to get Rei laid on a regular basis. You're wretched.
-Matt, Adam and Erica, still wondering why Rei gets such a hard time
If I write a physical impossiblity, I usually am doing it on purpose.
-Erica (talking about astrophysics, damnit!)
>>> Feeling purple today? You have crossed the border of Lush into the
>>> realm of Pure Purple.
>> Please slap me now...
> Um, no.
Oh go on... I promise not to enjoy it too much...
-Adam, taking it like a masochist
>> I'm planning on there being six of these in the end, and hopefully
>> it'll tie together.
> Oh, good. Like a jigsaw puzzle?
Yep - one of those special jigsaw puzzles, with ties.
-Adam, apparently still dying to make Erica slap him
> cheebs!, I'll be taking bribes to put in a lemon scene...
Who needs a scanned issue of Big Butt when you've got an autographed copy?
-Kas, cunningly manipulating Adam
> You took my half of the brain again! Give it back!
<sticks out tongue> Make me.
-Kas and Lel investigate the economics of gestalt consciousness
Jest you wait 'til I get my next story out! Then you'll be sorry!
-Erica plots her dastardly revenge...
Poor Fuji-san. <kisses his booboo>
-Lel (No, we don't know what a booboo is, either)
For bonus points, I'll leave in the reference to innuendo that was entirely deleted before I posted the previous message. Do I win a prize?
-Only for obfuscation, Adam
*** Beginning of forwarded message ***
when is the story chibi-usa seduces puu going to be dun could you send it to
me at this adders when it is dun
*** End of forwarded message ***
I win.
-Adam discovers that AOL users still make the 'net fun
<psst... Right Kas?>
<flicker flicker... oops. lime, salt, clink, swallow, cough, choke,
fumble blindly for lime>
-Lel, Tequila. Tequila, Lel.
> last one to laugh has to write "Chibi Usa discovers
> a new use for the Luna Ball"
"Luna P... Kitty magic... Give me a Hello Kitty Vibrator."
<vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!>
-Jason unwittingly summons Lel
I'm in a dark wood with Dante right now IYKWIMAITYD!!1!
Erm.
On second thoughts, I /really/ don't want that image. Ewwwww!
-Adam, on mid-life crises
I need to get a scanner too, now that I can afford one. Then I can distribute photos for people to make Adam Shrines.
-Adam, thinking of the merchandising possibilities
I do it sober, too...right Greti imouto-chan?
-Kas (about drinking sake, obviously)
Pretention is our middle name
-Kas redefines the mission statement
> Adam, write this or I _won't_ hurt you.
Now I'm not sure whether to write or emigrate...
-Kas makes Adam an offer he can't escape
<Chris looks unspeakably smug>
-Just for the novelty value, you understand...
"Like better than money?" If she isn't 5'9" and blonde, I sincerely doubt it!
-Erica, whose mind has other tracks, but only on days without a 'y' in
I'm going through gender-bending withdrawal. Must..have..more women in...men's suits...<gasp>
-Sorry, Erica - we sold out last week
she even writes nice sex scenes (waaah! My lotion dispensing Lita was RUINED!)
-Adam on Janice (and the bathroom accessories you always wanted)
> I'm feeling very in the minority. We need some gay men on this list...
Hell yeah - I could do with having someone lusting after my gorgeous body...
-Erica and Adam plot to fiddle the demographics
if I can survive being introduced to all and sundry as your fellow pornographer, I think tales about my hairy legs are the least of my worries...
-Adam, who must be cute when he blushes
"I want to... uh..." she blushed and then blurted out "...um... consummate our love!"
I want to... um... throw up!
-Adam, enjoying the latest submission to the list
Nah, Adam's is just as long.
-Kas (about the bio pages, obviously)
Just be blunt. "At least one of our number was repelled by the scene where Greg's penis goes from Minako's ass to her mouth, with her apparent enjoyment of the taste of her own residual feces."
-Chris, on what we meant by "General yuckiness"
It's not that I hate compliments at all - I just like to maintain plausible deniability.
-Adam, on the art of ego-stroking
This is the third completely G-rated story in a row that I've written.
I'm going to get a reputation.
-Erica, the recovering hentaiholic
> I thought I'd get you all warm and squishy so I coud draw it out and
> make you wait... <bwahahahahahaha>
Also, I would like the ability to become warm and squishy.
Sadly, that one might be a bit tricky to explain on the Christmas list.
-Lel teases the list and Adam gets confused
I'm not doing several things at the moment.
-Erica achieves enlightenment
This scene is exquisite - but the phrase "Senshi love" makes me think of "muskrat love" and that cannot be a good thing.
-Erica, queen of hawt monkey lurv
No, no. Let's get this straight. Mamoru is a weenie. Taiki is a cretin, Leon is a dork, and Yuuichiro is a putz. C-U is a spore (fungus is allowable.)
-Erica sets the record straight
> Erica-sama, the sticky glow-in-the-dark astronauts are peeling off the
> ceiling. Can we get some more, please?
Yes, and while you're out, I need you to pick up 3 gallons of gummy worms and a kitten. I wish to be depraved later.
-Adam and Erica, party planners to the crown...
Jeez...how come I can't see group sex in the flames? I gotta get me a better fire.
-Erica, just possibly jealous of Lel
>> I still like Strawberry Pocky best.
> I wouldn't know, someone didn't send me a box as she assured me.
I sent you a extremely cool Rei in a bathing suit sticker -c'mon, that has to count for something!
-Erica, realising her mistake, tries to butter cheebs! up...
It's three in the afternoon... Do you know what YOUR microwave is doing?
-Lel, being... well, Lel
I found I seriously need two things to write 1) too much caffeine and 2) more caffeine.
-Erica discovers the secret of inspiration
> I also get to go to China in April... Anyone want anything?
A cute 18 year-old nympho who likes BBWs?
-cheebs! hands Lel a shopping list
Do I get to rant about postmodernism here? Oh, sorry, I forgot - I'm part of the western male right-wing reductionist hegemony.
-Adam, Prince of Darkness
> I need bitch lessons.
Lesson #1 - "Fuck you, I have enough friends."
Lesson #2 - "I'm sorry - who are you again?"
Lesson #3 - "Please cooperate, I'm trying to ignore you."
-Erica teaches Lel an important lesson
<spaces out for a few minutes thinking about Lori>
<wipes drool away>
-Lel? Lel? Wake up, Lel!
Why does everyone's cock always have to throb in these things? Are cock rings real popular all of a sudden, or do they really need more urologists in Japan?
-Adam suffers one cliché too many
Sorry. Obsessions are so unhealthy.
And have I mentioned that Noin is a goddess?
-Not for at least ten minutes, Erica
I now have the image of Rei singing Nine Inch Nails. I hope you're happy, you.
-Adam discovers that his mind is far beyond salvation
No. I'm *not* going to use this opportunity to imply Tenchi's bisexuality. No. No. No.
Maybe.
-That's lucky, Chris, because otherwise we'd be forced to kill you...
Masked strangers...fields...sex...got it?
-Erica's Good Party Guide - order it now, for only $19.99!
Ahh! I've been flamed by Jar Jar Binks!
-Lel bemoans the lost art of poison pen letters
I am, through a miracle of science, also online at the same time as Pattie, which means we'll probably never speak to one another again.
-"Remember kids - laptops can seriously harm your love life. Don't be like Erica."
Can I just express how annoyed I am that these two ladies would not get it on? God, I wanted them to have really hot, steamy sex. Damn straight chicks.
-Erica, frustrated Gundam Wing fan
>Please do tell me what y'all think...
I think people are silly and superficial, that time is not a dimension at all and that my company is about to experience "negative growth."
-Erica gives Janice the response she wasn't looking for
>>Not a biggie, just a doujin cover titled Slave to Love.
> Crichey! Then I'm glad it didn't get through - I'm sure the
network
> manager here would have LOVED that!
Erica, did I mention that we've got lots of HOT XXX TEEN PORN ?
Also 0-day warez, crackz, phreaking kitz, a subscription to 2600 and a copy of ILOVEYOU.vbs
And a naked lesbian partridge in a pear tree.
-Adam, teaching cheebs! the art of grep-baiting
"I call this Operation Forcibly Seduce Miki-kun So He'll Stop Hanging Around That Weirdo Himemiya Anthy! Ohohohohohoho!"
Hrm. No. Put that one in the pile with the Utena/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fusion.
-Alan, on the contents of his trashcan
<looking at the pocky in her hand> I'll never eat chocolate again.
-Erica, still unclear on that whole "Lent" thing
Then, of course, there's...
Juri Poppins : Little Touga Kiryuu and his younger sister Nanami rediscover the fun side of life when they get a bitter lesbian for a nanny. Featuring such musical hits as "Shioricalafrajilisiticexpyaladocious" With Tsuchiya Ruka as the happy-go-lucky sweep tragically dying of tar lung from his years of crawling through soot-filled chimneys.
-Alan, face to face with The Story That Should Not Be
How old are you? What sort of career do you have in the real world? Do you like to eat beans with George Whent? What is the answer to life, universe and anything? What is the average wing velocity of a swallow? How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
-Lel questions the new members in her own inimitable style
> No, Erica, you fool! We said gay men! Weren't you listening?
I'm trying! Its not my fault all the FF writers out there are straight and too damn young to be doing this anyway.
-Adam protests the new recruitment policy, much to Erica's chagrin
I'm never going to be able to hear that frantic, excited "Fukata-san!" in the same way again.
-Alan discovers the wonderful world of Iron Chef slash fiction
I'd be expecting wacky wacky confusion when a lust potion ordered by Anthy turns up at Nanami's door... ("But Miss Utena, my sex slave is called 'Nanami'.")
-Adam, on the episode they didn't write..
> K-LICK.
Hmm. Nitpicky, but you might want to make it a mere "Click." instead. The all-capitals "K-LICK" gives me a vision of Miki flicking the safety off his Glock and putting it to Nanami's temple. Maybe I'm just weird that way.
-Alan, suddenly suspicious that Chris is trying to write "Reservoir Duellists"
> Isn't it great that Miki has such a supportive,
> loving, and above all, stable influence in his life?
Now, now. She's loving. <tries to resist; fails> Just ask 60% of the male and 20% of the female population of Ohtori's junior and senior high schools.
-Chris, always willing to be supportive
We don't have shame in Canada. I've no idea what you're talking about.
-Alan, now holding a part-time post at the Canadian Tourist Board
>> Doesn't he utterly suck?
> Adam, don't answer that. Remember, as far as we're concerned, that
> night in Paris never happened.
I feel so cheap...
-Erica on Alan on Adam
Hmm. For some reason I'm now imagining S&M Bars as some sort of tasty chocolate-based snack.
-Adam, whose mind wanders so far it needs a passport
How eagerly I await the deluge of "Revolutionary Girl <x>" stories, which should hopefully be just as good as the large body of "Bishoujo Senshi Sailor <x>" stories. My God! Ranma! As Sailor Moon! <faints from excitement>
-Alan, weak with anticipation
"We have found your submission completely unworthy, and deeply resent the minutes of our lives wasted in reading it. Not only did we hate your fanfic, but we have also come by extension to despise you personally, as well as your immediate family, your descendants (theoretical or actual) and your pets."
-Alan suggests a new style of rejection letter
>> We don't use American spelling in Canada.
> Good - you need to have something distinct. Oh, wait - you use
British
> spellings, don't you...pity.
Don't make me drive my dogsled down there and sic my attack moose on you, Erica.
-Alan declares war
I was glad not to get any gifts or stuff -- gaaaaah! Help! This is making me feel all warm and fuzzy and I hate that! Waaaaaaaaa!
-Chris, suffering from lack-of-angst angst
Well, geez, Erica, you knew I had to have some testosterone. The little dangly bits are proof of that.
I think. Hey, Alan, the little dangly bits prove I'm a guy, right?
-Chris, still waiting for anatomy 101
I am so sleep deprived it's beginning to become fun.
-Erica, soon to discover the wonders of caffeine
<pulls the Erica-sock puppet out from behind his back>
"Erica": Gee, Chris, do you suppose that it might help to include the URL for this article in this otherwise pointless observation?
Chris: Oh, lay off.
"Erica": Okay. I'd rather go seduce Juri than talk to you anyway. Byeee!
<hides the Erica-sock puppet behind his back>
-Chris, not scaring anyone...
Unrequited love? In anime? That's crazy talk, Chris.
I mean, next you'll be talking about characters with parental abandonment issues. Sheesh...
-Matt, having issue issues
>Thank you, Chris. <sob> This really touched me.
It touched me, too. Deep inside, rather like a tapeworm. I feel warm and gooey and full of goodwill towards all. Or maybe that's just my cold medication talking.
-Erica and Alan get into the festive spirit
>> I have the Utena movie on DVD, see!
> And what, praytell, would one have to do to get a copy?
Why, it's simple.
Your SOUL! We must have your SOUL to give you a copy of the Utena movie! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
No, wait, that's not it.
-Alan Harnum, intellectual property lawyer to the stars (and Adam)
Nonono, you're missing the point here - you don't do Random Murder - that's Chris' job. I'm Unwarranted Angst, cheebs! and Lel are Sex and Alan is Lovecraftian Horrors. I mean sheesh... get it right next time, okay?
(Sorry, Erica - looks like you're left with WAFF. Bad luck...)
-Adam hands out the job assignments
Mecha-sex -- YUCK!
-You're not fooling anyone, Chris...
> It's kinda funny reading an argument about yourself.
I guess it is. This really isn't about you, per se. You just happen to be the, um, prize? cream-filled center? Secret toy surprise?
It's also alot about me slapping Chris until he whines.
-Erica tells Lel more than she really wanted to know
I have an ultimatum on record with all my friends - the first person to throw me a surprise party gets to never speak to me again as long as I live.
-Erica, angling for the job of Official Happy Bunny
Something weird is happening to me - the meaner I am, the cuter people seem to think me. It's very strange and disturbing...
-Erica, cuddly dominatrix
Don't make me hit you with my unfinished Buffy/Utena crossover, Erica.
-Alan, who did...
That's because Ruka's a dork. Honestly, I don't know where people get the
idea that he has any idea what he's actually doing in those episodes.
"I'll hurt the person Juri loves and make her hate me in
order to set her free! I know it'll work because the VOICES IN MY HEAD
told me it would! That's the ticket! Ready, mutant forelock?"
<squeaky ventriloquist voice> "Ready, Ruka!"
-Alan gives lessons in characterisation
I don't think I've ever shared with you all my Most Offensive Utena Fanfic Ever:
Touga: Want to go out for dinner with me, Juri?
Juri: You do know I'm a lesbian, right?
Touga: How do you know you're a lesbian until you give heterosexuality a try? You might be missing something great.
Juri: Your logic is oddly persuasive.
<later, in bed, after sex>
Juri: Wow, Touga, you were right. I was missing a lot. From now on, I'll be a good, submissive heterosexual woman.
Touga: As it should be.
<THE END>
-Alan, still competing for that "Fanfics of the Damned" prize
> Apparently there are lesbians in it. Or something.
This is arguably the case...
-Adam introduces Alan to "Xena : Warrior Princess"
I still think she ought to have had a head-mounted neon sign throughout the last arc, saying "tragic hero", with a big flashing arrow.
-Adam, on the helpful hints the creators of Utena stupidly forgot to include
> I watch Buffy for Willow, and not to discuss it
Okay, hands up - is there anyone here who doesn't watch it for that reason?
-Erica and Adam rediscover a mutual interest
> Best of luck... <tosses a huge Tanuki at Erica> Here, catch!
Great! I needed a badger with big balls, thanks.
-Lel gives Erica the present she's always wanted
Jeez, I'm making a shrine now...next thing you know I'll be calling myself "no miko" and meaning it.
-Janice descends into fangirl hell
Don't mind me - I'm just spanking my muse.
-Adam, giving Too Much Information
I didn't even send you guys the other one, "Sailor Moon and the Purple Dragon." I'm not even remotely kidding.
-Erica reprises her role as a literary firewall
This story make Alan's brain hurt. Bad story! Alan no like!
-Alan, in a state of mild shock
<stares at the Erica Hand Puppet, in his right hand, which Leloi just returned to him> <stares at the other Erica Hand Puppet, in his left hand, which Justin just returned to him> <turns to look at the recently completed Erica Hand Puppet sitting and looking absurdly innocent on his work desk>
... somehow, I know that Erica's behind this. It's her revenge for all those arguments she lost.
-Chris falls victim to the conspiracy
Take it as a compliment. If someone writing a story called "Smackdown Be-otch" doesn't like your writing, you're obviously doing something right.
-Matt, on the wonderful source of C&C that is the Internet
We interrupt your regularly-scheduled programming for a rant:
MOTHERFUCKINGASSPIRATEPIECEOFSHITUNCOMPLIANTWEBBROWSERAUTHORS!
This concludes the rant.
-Adam, the one-man internet standards body
> So have a good night/morning/afternoon/whatever Canadians have and be happy!!
We live in a land of eternal darkness, actually, without sight of the sun, and must occasionally burn the weaker members of our tribe for light and heat. It is a savage existence, but it makes us a hearty race, and doughty in battle.
-Angela wanders innocently into Alan's secret training facility
Hm.
Dear sir,
Clearly, you have been misinformed as to the nature of our organization. The Fanfic Revolution exists to promote fanfiction which does not, as it were, suck. We have only ourselves to blame for your misapprehensions, and you may rest assured that we will strive to clarify the point in the future. In the interim, we regret that your work does not suit our current purposes, as it does, alas, suck.
Please feel free to contact us should your work diminish in its, to use the technical term, suckuosity. You should be aware that complaints will be taken only as evidence of your continuing suckitude as an author, and quite possibly as a human being as well. Moreover, we shall laugh at them, record the laughter, and distribute it through .mp3 filesharing services, clearly labeled as to what has provoked such hilarity.
Have a nice day.
Yours sincerely,
The Revolutionary Council.
-Chris decides to take over the rejections policy
I take back every nice thing I said about you in the last 30 minutes
-Erica, feeling testy
And there was, of course, not nearly enough flesh being eaten for Shiori.
-Alan, on the major failing of Adam's latest effort
Death by fangirl glomp... what a way to go.
-Lel daydreams
So, then, to present (as if anyone cares) How To Write A Crossover That Alan Will Care About:
--Use series that Alan knows.
--Make sure you remain thematically true to at least some of the common
themes of all the series you're using.
--Make sure you reconcile the different settings into one in a way that
doesn't make Alan shake his head and go, "No way does that work. They
couldn't exist in the same world."
--Do all the other things that make stories not suck, which are far too
numerous to detail.
--Mail hardcopies of the crossover to Alan with large amounts of cash taped
to the back of each page (this is not necessary, but would probably help).
-Alan drops helpful hints
What is the deal with wings on people? In what way are they attractive? Certainly, flying would be nice, but when not doing so they'd just get in the way and smash the souvenirs on the mantelpiece...
-Adam, demonstrating why he'll never pass as a bishonen fan
> Adam... all my friends want me to bring them back British Guards...
> know where I can find them?
Depends which type you want. If it's Beefeaters (the ones with silly coats), then try the Tower of London. If it's the Queen's House Guards (the ones with silly hats), then it'll have to be Buckingham Palace.
Of course, they tend to object to being lifted bodily and removed from the premises - just ignore them and stuff them into a suitcase and they'll soon quieten down.
-Adam gives Lel some handy tourist advice
I'm sitting here having organizational orgasms.
-Erica, whose tastes are stranger than even we knew
Noin, at this point in the story, has not graciously allowed Sally to drag her off into a quiet office and fuck her silly, she's being a moony twit about Preventer Blondie there. So it's okay to beat her over the head, demmit.
-Psuzan, sharing Erica's frustration with the writers of Gundam Wing
Weiss [Kreuz] is like crack; it's pure liscence to write 1) irredeemable smut, and 2) cracked out supernatural grit with NO GUILT WHATSOEVER.
Ooooh, the grit. The lovely, lovely grit. And the silver-haired Irish schizophrenics out to kill God, and the precognitive yuppies of Doom, and the mad German telepaths who look like red-headed Axl Rose clones.
And all that GAY! It's like reading CLAMP manga. You can just substitute in "gay gay gay gay gay gay, homosexual, gay gay" for anything anyone says. Except, with Weiss, it's "gay gay gay gay, guns, gay gay, takatori, gay gay, takatori, gay, Hitler resurrection, gay gay, schuldich schuldich schuldich, gay, SHI-NE!, gay".
And, I mean, what other series can you write a lemon involving a blonde drug-addicted ex-model and a cute young Japanese schoolboy telekinetically tying a silver-haired Irish schizophrenic needlesex freak down to a table, tattooing him, stick metals bits in him, and then fisting him from one end and getting a blowjob from him on the other, and have it be quite plausible within the context of the series?
-Psuzan, on her favourite so-bad-it's-good series
You want three chicks hanging off you at once, buy yourself a Heero x Duo doujinshi and carry it around prominently at cons. You will get SO laid.
-Psuzan's initial draft of "Sex Tips for Fanboys"
<dangles Juri over Erica's head> Jump, Erica, jump!
-Alan indulges in a little Erica-baiting
Chris, you write psychotic women better than anyone.
-Coming from Erica, that's apparently a compliment...
Huh? I don't use archaic words... I have a slightly larger working vocabulary than most, but I hardly ever mention tharf-cakes and sill-sifting - and I've never once used "chubbins" in a story.
-Erica defends herself (and, it seems, has a fool for an advocate...)
I was very entertained by an article in the local paper about a Catholic church group who wanted to "reclaim" Halloween. As an argument for reclaiming the night for Christianity, they pointed out that it had been a very holy night even since pre-Christian times in Europe. No, don't hurt your brains trying to follow that wonderful piece of logic - I'm still trying to work it out too.
-Adam, trying to think his way through a religious corkscrew
I'm in it for the guns and the girlysex, baby!
-Psuzan gives lessons in motivational thinking
That sound you can't hear is the sound of Pattie making me chocolate chip cookies.
You all wish you were me right now.
-Erica makes everyone jealous
Chris, you're one sick fuck. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
-Erica, still learning the arcane art of compliments
> That was what bugged me with that film. They filmed it in New
> Zealand, and my brain kept waiting for Lucy Lawless to appear, complete
> with hurled fish and singing villagers...
> ("Gabrielle! Stop mooning the balrog!")
Joxer the Mighty,
he roams through the countryside!
With Galdalf as his sidekick,
fightin' with his little stick!
-Adam and Lel on the Lord of the Rings movie
I think you mean "Aa! Megamisama". "Aa! Megumisama" is the one where Ogata Megumi ... well, let's just say that Erica really wants that movie.
-Chris, on Lel's somewhat Freudian slip
>> sometimes Erica replies to me before I even see my own post. Weird, ne?
> That's Erica's superpower. Mine is that I can polymorph into a
> blaxploitation-era superhero to fight crime and get busy with all
> the sexy ladies
No - Mine are being able to identify any substance by my allergic reaction to it and something else I can't remember.
-Lel, Justin and Erica discuss their mighty super-powers
Yea! I found another typo! Do I get a reward? Cookies? Ice cream? Cute chick for thoroughly unprofessional assistant work?
-Erica, on the perks of being an editor
>> This story is entirely Alan Harnum's fault.
> And I know he's not writing anymore, but where is he, anyway?
Plucked from the wastelands of southern Canada by an intrepid team of American seal researchers, the orphaned child was discovered to have uncanny powers over all makes and models of electric kettles. He is currently believed to be in isolation in a secret underground lab beneath an undisclosed midwestern city whose name begins with "P".
-Alan reveals his secret hideout to Adam and Erica
If I ever get an actual idea for a One Piece story, I will probably try to write it, and fail, and hate myself, and have to go live in a hole, and no one will love me ever again, and my only friend will be a frog who I will call "Mr. Slimey".
-Alan's hidden shame is uncovered
> what's that title again, Janice? Tiny Snow something or other...?
Tiny....TINY....grpblgh!
Tiny Snow...
Tiny Snow Sugar...
Tiny Fairy Snow...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
TINY whatever the FUCK it is!
-Erica, fairy-baiting
Sakura won't use most of the cards, trust me. What on earth is she going to do with Little and Big, for instance? Or my favorite useless card, Twin?
If Clow had a brain he would have created The Lawnmower and The Housepainter, but you can just tell he was an ivory tower type.
-Erica, ever the practical magician